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An unmitigated disaster is how my meeting went off today. The same one I’ve been working for, for over a month now.

I’m in tears, emotionally overwrought, exhausted after four nights of incomplete sleep and weeks of painful negotiations, unending discussions and painstaking back-end work. I can hardly begin to comprehend why, or debrief to any logical conclusion, but I’m glad I at least want to do a de-breif, rather than my usual instinct to just fall into P’s arms and cry buckets on his shoulders.

I wonder why this happened. I’m supposed to be intellectually sound, I know I’m good with people (most times). I know I can plan well. I know I did anticipate communication challenges. I know I can lay out a great vision. I know I communicate effectively. Is the question about me being able to do all this at once?

I wonder – is the issue similar to Ammamma’s comment about my looks back when I was 15 – that I have great features: a great pair of eyes, good bone structure, a good smile, etc. that together somhow fail to impress? Am I doomed to have all the parts but never the whole?

Or is it like learning to drive a car or to fly a plane – you learn first how to do one or two things at a time, e.g. balance your altitude and your level, then you train to be able to do five things at once, and then all of it – so you finally learn to fly a plane.

Is it practice? Or is it ‘written’?

Am I a Karna? Am I the person who knows it all but forgets/fails at the critical time? Will I just forever fail at whatever I put my hand to? I’m beginning to wonder.

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